Dancing on the Grave

Let's see ourselves, even in our current struggles, and wrestling of sin, as LOVED, BEAUTIFUL, PURE, ADORED and WORTHY instead of MISERABLE FAILURES, embarrassments, 'can't get rights' and hypocrites like the devil wants us to see when we look into the pool of reflection.


When God says who WE are, who are THEY to say who we AREN'T? I know who I AM. I know who I've BEEN. And I know where I'm GOING, but most importantly . . . I am who I am because the I Am tells me WHO I am! Even though I've failed, I'm NOT a FAILURE! Although I've fallen short, I refuse to stay down! Even though I've been defeated, I won't wear DEFEAT! Even though I've shamed myself, I simply won't wear SHAME! Even though I’ve experienced LACK, I lack NOTHING! See, I won’t wear who I USED to be, because every single day I fight to be the NEW me! I don’t always succeed in that, but I continue to fight.


FAR too OFTEN, we own our shame, our regret, our pain and our failures, but we RARELY own our AWESOME! Each one of us is unique!! ALL people, throughout the history of time, have different fingerprints—is that not amazing?!? Before the foundations of the Earth, before we were in our mothers’ wombs, God knew us! He took His time PERFECTING us and CRAFTING us—We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God had previously ordained that we should walk in them Ephesians 2:10--  and part of our creation was developing a plan for our lives that ONLY you can do! That means EACH ONE of us, every SINGLE ONE of us is IMPORTANT!!


I used to be a sex ADDICT—porn, strip clubs, strippers, webcams, escorts, couples, BDSM, etc. (I would share more, but to protect my family, and out of their consideration, I won't)—I did just about everything. I remember, literally, going to a strip club, coming back that night and messing around with a girl, getting drunk then, without any sleep, rolling up into church. Talk about trying to serve two masters!! That’s on a whole ‘nother level. But the last 7-8 years, I’ve worked extremely hard to let the Potter mold me into a new CREATION (2^nd Cor. 5:17)!

Here’s the thing, we can strive. We can toil. We can work. We can promise to do better, but that’s a LIE—in many ways—because the beautiful reality is . . . though our gardens are MESSY—filled with sticky, ugly briars, weeds threatening to overcome the flowers and green grass and is grown up—Jesus sees BEAUTY!! So, I encourage YOU to just REST in that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and find rest for your weary soul in that pasture. We don’t come to Jesus ALL cleaned up; we come to Jesus to get clean!! I’m still working on that second part. Church is not a museum for SAINTS, but is a hospital for the SINNERS. I’m a redeemed-sinner, so whether I’m sick or healthy; I will remain at the feet of the Doctor of my soul.


For years, I let God speak to me. I listened. I FOUGHT. I RAN. I worshiped. I cried. I felt His scalpel removing things—destructive habits, sin, negativity and evil—and felt Him replacing them with His Nature. I knocked. I sought Jesus! I asked. I learned. I screwed up and missed the mark more times than I’d like to admit . . . and still do, but I have become a NEW person! I REJOICE over that! Am I perfect? FAR from it, still too many pictures, conversations, texts and actions I take part in, but I am CLIMBING that mountain! I will slip, I will fall, I will grow weary and stop the ascent, but I will not TURN BACK!


See, I’ve endured A LOT in my life . . . my little step-sister passing away in a car accident at 16, an ill-advised marriage, and subsequent divorce just months later, my Papaw, who helped raise me passing away at 90, my little step-brother passing, due to a heart ailment, at 22, me losing my job as a sports editor, and writer, after five years due to the recession, me becoming one of two finalists to be the main writer for the Carolina Panthers’ website, which would’ve been a dream job, before ultimately missing out on it, then had a girl I was dating, who, between my generosity and her being a thief, completely drained me of my savings account . . . throw in a porn addiction, and near-insatiable desire for sex, which involved the aforementioned things, and more, I was at rock bottom.


Since the events I just described took place over the span of five-six years . . . all the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking losses took their toil. I lost my peace. I lost my mind.


At my lowest point, I had a gun in my hand, a .38 special, ready to kill myself. But in that moment, Jesus, the One I had worshiped, learned from, read His words, growing up and prayed to, whispered just enough Truth, Hope, Peace, Joy and Love for me to not go through with it! He consoled me, encouraged me, loved me and gave me just enough Hope, in the midst of hopelessness, to find the strength to go on . . . in short, Mufasa had more work for young Simba to do! He loved me right in the middle of my MESS.


When the Lord RESTORES your life from rock bottom an unspeakable change happens. You smile bigger. You laugh harder. You cry more. You say, “I love you” more. And the little moments you used to take for granted, you no longer do—rather, you appreciate them for what they are-- hidden treasures! You learn a compassion that can only be born through tragedy, tears and trial.


In exchange for ashes, God gave me BEAUTY! He’s shown me the flames aren’t meant to consume us, but rather refine us. Storms will come. That is inevitable, but what we must remember, no matter how great the waves, how loud the thunder or how bright the lightning, is Jesus is in the boat with us. That beautiful, powerful and wonderful truth has come in handy over the past year.

 

I’ve thrown up over 2,200 times, and even though I’ve never abused alcohol or drugs, had severe ulcers in my stomach and small intestine, a loose lower-esophagus, have esophageal spasms, a hiatal hernia and three cysts in my liver, but my faith has NEVER wavered! Has it been exhausting? Has it, at times, been frustrating? Absolutely to both, but I’ve had Peace, which truly passes all understanding over the 14-month ordeal. At my lowest point, in less than a month and a half, I went from 185 pounds to 142. I had 15-20 tests run, in and out of the hospital, and have had three specialists to put into perspective how dire it’s been.


My recent health battle came on the heels of losing two of the pillars of my family—my Step-Dad Buddy, of 32 years, and my Mamaw, who led me to accept Jesus on the porch in Elk Park at six-years old, both passed away in the past three years. As you can see, since having my life restored (Joel 2:25), it has been no walk in the park, but it’s one we don’t take alone. He walks with us, and when we’re too weak to carry on, He carries us, but what I’ve found is there are times in our lives in our lives where we don’t even want to be carried and it’s in those times we can crawl up into our Heavenly Father’s arms and simply be held—held by the Greatest Love in the Universe. Isn’t that an awesome thought?!?


Although I miss them terribly, and long to hug them, see their warm smiles or hear their voice, I’m thankful they’re no longer in any pain and are with Jesus, worshiping before the Throne. I have the assurance I will see them one Sweet Day in a land where there is no more death, no more mourning, no more suffering and no more pain! (Rev. 21:4)


Like the tree planted by the water—I was not, and shall not, be moved! Although, I’ve gained all my weight back, I’m still throwing up a few days a week. While I long to be healthy again, I’m healthy in spirit as I face this battle. Through faith, I hear the VICTORY trumpet before it’s here. I see the light at the end of the tunnel before it’s there. Over the past year, there have been plenty of times, I haven’t FELT the love of Jesus, so it’s a good thing I knew, and know, how much He loves me! See, feelings are fickle, fluid and like mosquitos, in the summer, all over the place, but the Love of God is unconditional, immovable, all-consuming and immune to our mistakes, feelings and seasons of life—whether on the peak or in the valley.


I worked too incredibly hard to crawl out of the debris, from under the rubble that once felt impossible to climb out from under and ruins of my life to STAY under it! The same way God caused the boulder to be rolled away from the tomb; He rolled those stones off me. I WILL complete my mission!


My hope is to share Jesus, and His Love, with a lost and dark world, to breathe Life into everyone who reads my words and to share the unending Hope, Peace and Joy I’ve found not because I am good, but because He is worthy and beyond AWESOME!!


Every day we can love Him, love, and serve, others, walk in gratitude and find humility in the simple truth we don’t deserve a single flower of blessing in life’s beautiful garden. That alone should make us grateful. Any blessing in our lives is nothing more than a MUD PUDDLE, while He is the endless, beautiful Ocean we have unlimited access to. Whether we find ourselves in the pit, or in the palace, let’s cling tightly to the God, Who clings tightly to us. For the palace, without the King, is nothing more than an EMPTY house!


Over the past decade, I’ve gone from a pauper to a prince. Where I used to be lost, now I am found. Where I used to be overwhelmed by the tests, now I am PROUD of my testimony. Where I used to be an orphan, I now know I’ve been adopted by the King of Kings! Where I used to be a complete mess, God has turned me into a beautiful MESSage!!(Gen. 50:20) I’m dancing on the grave that once held me bound—and what a SWEET dance it is!


I used to view myself as an addict . . . now, I know I’ve been called, set apart, chosen, part of a royal priesthood and child of the King and Creator of the Universe all because of the blood His Son shed for me on the cross and me accepting Him as my Savior.


So, let’s TRY, let’s WORK, let’s STRIVE, let’s want more of Jesus and less of us (John 3:30), but if we screw up . . . let’s extend GRACE to ourselves and begin again. The older I get, and further and longer I walk, I want to fail Yahweh, Yeshua and the Holy Spirit less and love Him more! I want to give the angels in Heaven, and the Great Cloud (Hebrews 12:1-2), something to be proud of and something worthy to cheer for!


What shall we do? We should PRAY as if EVERYTHING depends on God and WORK as if everything depends on US and rest in the BEAUTIFUL TRUTH we are all works in progress (Phil. 1:6) and are LOVED more than we could EVER fathom-- RIGHT WHERE WE ARE!!

+Hope Abounds+ JMB