In the lion's teeth

The lion clutched his teeth around me.

I was paralyzed, hurt, dying and felt lower than low can feel.

What did I do to him? Why was he was so mad? His teeth threatened to turn me into his filet mignon. The worst part is I wanted them to.

The gun, a .38 special, sat on the bed as I was prepared to succumb to the devastation, heartbreak and pain this life can sometimes bring and that God mysteriously allows.

See, a marriage I never should've entered into (I wasn't ready & not in love~ no indictment of her), the death of my little sister, my Papaw, death of my little brother, loss of my job, loss of money, my own poor decisions . . . it all flooded my mind. All the loss had taken its toil on my life. It had snowballed and these final few moments would be an avalanche roaring down the mountain as I helplessly stood out in the open. It would kill me.

The only solution was to end it and the only prayer my life had left was the prayer the bullet would penetrate my brain, making this harsh life come to a shocking close. That and that God would comfort my family and friends, who would inevitably be crushed and ask the question, 'Why?'

There is always a WHY, but truthfully it can be as simple as believing the lion. Junior Seau, 43, was one of the best to ever put on a pair of cleats, was by all accounts a generous man of God, a philanthropist, was a multi-millionaire, had fame, respect, the deep love of his family and friends. He just sadly believed the lion. It doesn't mean he was/is WEAK, just means he made the wrong decision. Proof we must remain vigilent at ALL times. Believing the lion's lies can radically affect your life or sadly, tragicially end it!

Not the Lord, the Lion of Judah (Genesis 49:9, Hosea 5:14, Rev. 5:5 ), but satan, the roaring lion seeking whom he may devour (1st Peter 5:8). That's whose jaws I found myself in.

I no longer had the strength to keep fighting. While suicide wasn't the best answer, it was the ONLY answer in my mind. The devil's soft whispers had lured me in. I listened long enough until those whispers turned into shouting. Did I literally hear voices? No, I didn't . . . although I do believe many, under demonic oppression/possession and bound up in the heavy chains of depression, do.

'Please Lord, forgive me. I tried to run the race. I tried to keep the faith. I tried to trust You. I tried to be the man you called me to be, but I have failed. Please let me still come into your Heavenly Kingdom. I don't have to have the nicest mansion . . . just let me be with you. Forgive your child for this heinous sin. Amen.'

In that moment, all the TRUTH, all the Scripture, all the worship services, all the sermons, all the pearls of wisdom had been swallowed up . . . they were less visible than snow in June. ANY glimmer of hope had been raped by doubt, any sign of life had been strangled and swallowed up by death.

I thought of ALL my family, my loved ones and I felt AWFUL for each one of them. I grieved for the grief that would smack them in the face when they heard the news as subtle as a sledgehammer serving as an alarm clock. I won't list everyone I thought of, but my Mom, Sister, Dad, Mamaw, Stepdad, niece (just had 1 at the time) and a select few friends entered my mind.

Damn, how do you explain to a gentle prayer warrior in her late-80s that her favorite grandson had killed himself or a 10-year-old niece her uncle is dead by his own hand? While my problems would be over, their's would just be beginning. Could I carry out the ultimate act of selfishness?

For the first time, I saw the first remnant of life. They LOVE me too much. God, the Author of life, had spoken life to me in my darkest moment. Just like my Dad shared with me about how his Dad would turn on the lights in the middle of the tunnel, because they were scared, so too had my Heavenly Father turned the high-beams on!

I not ONLY did not have to be scared anymore; I also could let the Light comfort and encourage me, seeing me through to the other side! The side where love and hope reside in the town of Future.

Then I thought of how much God loved me, thought of how this life was a personal gift from Him~ a present. That's why it's called that. I could not snuff out the second greatest gift He would ever give me (after salvation). At the moment, the great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1) and my Savior cheered me in, speaking waves of encouragement to flood my being.

With my bed drenched in tears, tears on my hardwood floors, snot pouring out of my nose, sweat on my brow . . .

I put the gun down. Mufasa had pierced His teeth into Scar's jugular vein. The father of lies was defeated in a battle for my earthly life.

Mufasa still had work for young Simba to do. Work ONLY Simba could do. In the last 3 years, I have experienced many of the greatest moments of my life. The Lord has continued to mold and shape me, I have gotten to know Him better and He is using my gifts, talents and very life to bless Him, give Him the glory and to better the lives of others through sharing His love.

I would have missed out on not just saying I TRUST the Lord, but truly doing it. I would have missed out on the sun shining brighter, my smile being bigger, the colors and hues of my world being sharper, reflecting the magnificence of God's faithfulness and love.

Now, I STILL have an amazing family, a woman I love, adore and will grow old with, beautiful children/nieces I adore/cherish. Life couldn't be ANY sweeter~ I would've missed out on ALL of it. All the smiles He used me to put on faces of others, all the unforgettable moments, all the hugs, the kisses, all the strangers' meals I've paid for as a small example of how God loves them, the times where I know my gifts and talents are being used for the ONLY thing they were ever intended to do-- glorify the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

All of these words wouldn't have been written, the strokes of the pen never would've touched the paper, these fingers would've been six feet deep in a box underneath the dirt.

Yes, the gun was loaded. The lion roared . . . our Lion, the Lion of Judah, roared LOUDER!

** If you are thinking suicide is the answer, please contact me @JMBrooks17 on Twitter. If you don't, that's fine . . . just know God is using ALL things for YOUR good~ Romans 8:28. Even if it doesn't seem like it! There is NOTHING too broken that He can't and won't fix! That He will RESTORE your life if you let Him. If you think He is responsible for all the pain, know He does allow terrible things to happen, but it doesn't mean He loves you any less. He is MADLY in love with you. If you are considering suicide, I want to tell you this. Jesus loves you . . there are people in your life who love you (and would be crushed if you make this decision) and I encourage you to find your purpose in life. Life can and will overwhelm us at times, but remember Hebrews 13:5, 'I (God) will never leave you for forsake you.'

Also, please I urge you quit saying 'Kill yourself or kill yoself~ I know you don't literally mean it, and it's meant to be funny . . . but what if by you saying that, the person actually did the shi*. How bad would you feel? How about we change that to 'Smack yourself.. smack yoself silly etc.' haha

I do not discount the pain you are feeling . . . I know it feels like you are drowning *you probably even have tears flowing down your cheeks right now* I have been there~ But I encourage you to take just 1 (ONE) step and God will take 99 to meet you. You can not control what happens in life, but you can ALWAYS control your reaction to anything that happens. Try not to be that ship so easily tosse about by the waves. (Eph. 4:14). Life is worth living~ it WILL get better! Hang in there and keep your head up!!